My friend Jillian is an asshole.
To be fair, if you met her you wouldn’t think she’s an asshole. In fact, you’d probably find her exceptionally impressive.
Jillian is engaging and charismatic and went to Harvard Law and is a big city attorney and we are all really proud of her.
But she’s an asshole, and here’s why:
Jillian recently downloaded Tinder. When I asked her why she downloaded Tinder she told me she was “bored.”
Since I’m an awesome friend, I told Jillian that she needed to get over herself.
I told her she didn’t download Tinder because she was “bored.” I told her she downloaded Tinder because she’s insecure and lonely and pathetic and that she should be ashamed of herself.
However, my sensitive insight aside, her story checks out.
Jillian’s story checks out because of what she did once she got Tinder.
As a social experiment—and, more importantly, inspired by Omarion’s “Post To Be”—Jillian decided to download Tinder and text all of her matches, “I might let you get close to me but you gotta eat the booty like groceries” to see what would happen.
Here’s an example, just a little sample:
I told you she was an asshole.
So, for those of you keeping score at home, here are the results:
Jillian texted 172 guys “I might let you get close to me but you gotta eat the booty like groceries.”
29 didn’t respond, 23 responded with some variation of LOL, 3 recognized the song, 1 gave an emphatic no, and 116 were unquestionably into it.
(Before we go any further, I’d like to acknowledge how easy this experiment is to criticize so please save your straw man and ad hominem for someone who doesn’t see it coming.
What’s more, when I see stuff like this on Twitter or theCHIVE or wherever I always assume it’s fake, but please remember that this is a blog that no one reads written by an idiot who just wants to watch the Red Sox. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to someone who thinks I’d make this up.
Also, full disclosure: I don’t have Tinder, so I’m hesitant to offer commentary on Jillian’s results.
However, I witnessed countless Tinder dates as a bartender so I’m pretty much an expert.
For example, here’s how every Tinder date goes:
It’s a Tuesday night. The bar is almost empty. The guy is throwing back cocktails as the girl nurses a beer and forces conversation. The guy is there because he wants to have sex because that’s how he measures success in his life. The girl is there because she wants to get married before she turns 30 because that’s how she measures success in her life.
Ladies and gentlemen, believe me when I tell you: You would pay to watch this shit.)
Back to the action!
Let’s get down to glass slacks: Besides the fact that Jillian is an asshole and that the majority of dudes on Tinder will eat a stranger’s ass, what universal truth can we take from this?
Since I’m sure experiments like this have been done before and will be done again, I know that outing Tinder as a wretched hive of scum and villainy isn’t a hot take.
However, these results tell us more than that.
It’s too convenient, too lazy to write off this many guys as standard operating creeps. It’s a statistical impossibility.
Think about it. They have to come from somewhere.
What are their stories? How did they get like this?
Well, the fact is that some of these fuckers are hiding in plain sight.
These guys willing to eat Jillian’s ass sight unseen? You know some of them.
Some of these guys are your coworkers and neighbors.
Some are your friends and family.
Most troubling, some are your boyfriends and husbands.
Of course you don’t want to admit this, but deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties you know it’s true.
Tinder is a cesspool, sure, but the shit has to come from somewhere.
Don’t be naïve enough to think you really know anyone.